American ER stories
(page last updated 30/08/98).
Just a few stories from American Emergency Rooms to prove that
the yanks do it best:-)
- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted
suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of
vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that
they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the
- A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild
abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had
inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then
safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children she was hoping that
the chicken would turn into a baby.
- A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken
rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that choking sound coming
from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight
the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth.
After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man
would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean). The
officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.
- A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500
lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to
undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her
arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her
massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not
least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the
folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".
- A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER
parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting
to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the
grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What
the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying
"Whore! Whore! Whore!"
- A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables when
a cucumber became lodged in his rectum. Unable to get it out on his own he
showed up at the ER for some assistance. All he was given was some pain
pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he would eventually poop it out. On
his way out one of the nurses yelled "Come on back this afternoon. Were
having a Butt-luck supper". (How embarrassing is that!)
- An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine
induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter
(a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded
twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and
demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where
she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"
- An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines
in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed,
have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed
that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked
very much like a potato.
It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling
out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about
- The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m.
with a complaint of belly button lint.
- A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the
exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active.
The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive.
The doctor went back to the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you
sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed
to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation
attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the
lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it?
Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
- A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting
next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he
had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his
friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything
he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for
a while then said questioningly, "I've been fucking the dog?"
- A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that
she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't
able to retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and "gagged"
myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."
Robert Chasmer -
(C) KAOS 95-97.