Loads of sick baby jokes

(page last updated 30/08/98).

Q: Why couldn't the baby turn around in the hall?
A: Because it had a javelin stuck through its head.

Q: What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?
A: Ripping it back off.

Q: What's more fun that spinning a baby on a clothesline at 100MPH?
A: Stopping it with a cricket bat (thwok)

Q: What's red and goes around and around?
A: A baby in a garbage disposal!

Q: What's the difference between a jar of afterbirth and a jar of sand?
A: You can't gargle sand.

Q: How do you get 5 babies in a shoebox?
A: With a cuisinart!

Q: Why should you put a baby in a blender feet first?
A: To see the expression on its face.

Q: What is blue and gooey and crawls up a woman's leg?
A: A homesick abortion.

Q: What's red and white, and goes at speeds up to 40MPH?
A: A baby in a blender.

Q: What's pink and spits?
A: A baby in a frying pan.

Q: What's red and screams
A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
A: A peeled baby dipped in brine.

Q: What's easier to load on a truck: babies or bricks?
A: Babies... you can use a pitchfork!

Q: What's worse than one baby in a trash can?
A: One baby in three trash cans?
Q: What's worse than that?
A: Three trash cans in one baby.

Q: What is bright blue, pink, and sizzles.
A: A baby trying to breast feed from an electrical outlet.

Q: What is blue and yellow lies at the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.

Q: What is pink and red and silver and bumps into walls?
A: A baby with forks in its eyes.

Q: What is pink and red and gurgles?
A: A baby munching on razor blades.

Q: What's blue and sits in a corner?
A: A baby with a plastic bag over its head!

Q: What is brown, bubbly and scratches at the window?
A: A baby in a microwave.

Q: What is red and has a million holes in it?
A: A baby on a bed of nails.

Q: What is pink and red and gets smaller and smaller?
A: A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler.

Q: What is pink and green?
A: The same baby six weeks later. (applies to the last few)

Q: What's gross?
A: A dead baby.
Q: What's grosser?
A: A whole truckload of dead babies.
Q: What's even grosser?
A: A live baby struggling for air amid the stench of decay at the bottom.
Q: What's grosser still?
A: The live baby eating its way out.
Q: What is the grossest of all?
A: The same baby coming back for more.

Q: What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
A: Twins in an acid bath.

Q: How do you stop a baby from looking up at you with that cute little baby face and gurgling happily with that little baby mouth and waving at you with those little baby fingers and little baby toes?
A: Gouge its eyes out.

Q: How do you cross an auditorium full of babies?
A: With a snow blower.

Q: What's red and hangs in trees?
A: A baby that has been hit by a snowblower.

Q: Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
A: Because you get a womb with a view.

Q: What is a sure way to stop a baby from crying?
A: With an axe.

Q: How do you load a pile of dead babies on a truck?
A: Pitchforks.
Q: How do you load a pile of LIVE babies on a truck?
A: Pitchforks!

Q: What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby?
A: You can't fuck a rock.

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: 3/4 glass ginger ale, two scoops of ice cream and a scoop of dead baby.

Q: What's better than tying babies to your bumper and crashing?
A: Tying them to your tires and skidding.

Q: What's pink, charred, bloody, and blind?
A: A baby with needles in its eyes trying to get its favourite toy out of a lit fireplace.

Q: Why does the husband always bring boiling water at a birth?
A: In case the baby dies, he can make soup.

Q: Why did the dead baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken.

Q: What's red and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A baby on a meathook.

Q: Why do babies have a weak spot in the top of their skulls?
A: So if there's a fire in the hospital, the nurses can carry them out six at a time.

Joke: Didja hear about the little boy who came running into the house with blood all over his hand? He went running up to his mother saying 'Mummie, Mummie! You were right! Babies do have soft spots in the top of their heads!'

Q: What is twelve inches long, stiff and makes a woman scream in the morning?
A: Cot death.

Joke: Did you know that it takes five babies to make just one bottle of baby oil?

Joke: The expectant father is waiting in the hall for his wife to give birth. He's pacing up and down, back and forth - nervous that something might go wrong with the delivery. Eventually, after much anxious waiting and pacing, the doctor comes out with the baby wrapped in a blanket. As the elated and relieved father walks toward the nurse, she grips the baby by the feet and starts smashing its against the wall, sending blood, brain and shards of bone spraying everywhere. The father screams in horror "What the hell are you doing!?"
"Take a joke, man", the doctor says, pausing for a moment and letting the carcass drip onto the floor. "It was stillborn!"

Australian Supplement:

Q: What is black and lies at the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby covered in funnelwebs.

Q: What do vegetarian dingos eat?
A: Cabbage patch kids.

Q: What is the definition of revenge?
A: A baby with a dingo in its mouth.

Jokes Index Robert Chasmer - (C) KAOS 95-97.