Imminent crash

A 90's style Netsploitation movie, like The Net and Hackers, with smoky/weird factor rivalling TRON.
(page last updated 30/08/98).


John LeGeek--

Christen Slater, Kevin Bacon or a lean, shaven Keefer Southerland. An amicable, soft spoken geek with morals who breaks the law anyways.

Sally LeBabe--

Sandra Bullock. She is a must. Netters seem to love her judging all those fake naked pictures floating around. To our potential audience, she is as well known as Jean Luc Picard and has more hair to boot.

Ed Meat--

Keanu Reeves. He basically plays Stewat's role in Beavis and Butt Head. The best thing is that this lackey gets his head blown off before he has a chance to annoy us with bad acting.


William Shatner. The problem is that he probably won't fit into a pair of pants. Only his bust appears as an anthropomorphic computer character. He is much like Max Headroom except he has an announciation problem instead of a stutter(Spock..we must...get..those Klingons...around-Uranus). Quazar helps our heroes by magically doing what is not feasible, facilitating the plot much like Ex-Lax facilitates those Klingons.


It is the post Windows-lythic era, year 2004. The way society is going, simian rule is just around the corner. Big corporations rule the world (surprise!). One company, Microsoft of course, is particularly powerful and ruthless. William H. Gates III, the CEO, has often referred to people as revenue generating "meat puppets." Worst of all he thinks he is a fashion trend setter by walking around in a skin-tight full-body Lycra suit.

Our heroes:

They are rebels who run Linux.. These three teens (soon cut to 2) are your typical flannel wearing Seattle teenager types. Sally is the popular type, but for some reason hangs out with these two geeks. One thing they all have in common is that they are big fans of the rock band Nirvana.

The adventure begins:

While watching an episode of MTV Untalented, John sees a news brief hinting that Kurt Cobain, the lead singer of Nirvana, may have faked his death ten years back to get rid of his sad-excuse-of-a-wife Courtney Love.

Without hesitation, John calls up Sally and Ed. They cruise the net to find out more. John comes across some top secret computer files. He calls on his computer friend Quazar for help. Quazar can't type so he tells John the password, "popcorn." John is so excited that he commits a typo, punching out "porn" instead. This unlocks another set of files under the name "My Name is Buck Naked." (thank goodness windows supports long file names) These turn out to be the personal files of Bell C., Bob, a.k.a. Bill Gates.

The contents are almost too incredible to believe. First they discover that Bill was actually David Koresh and the Branch Davidians were actually beta testers of Win-95 driven to insanity by bugs.

Next, It seems Bill Gates wants a more direct approach towards ruling the human race. The subversive way of brainwashing people through software has been effective but slow. Microsoft has developed Windows for Humans-2005, slated for shipment sometime in 2007. The product's slogan will be "Resistance is Futile...You Will be Assimilated."

Worst of all, Bill Gates plans on cloning himself a million times over. Using new X-Y chromosome flipping techniques, he also plans on making a female version of himself. There will be a new, albeit incestuous, master race. Furthermore, Bill has delusions, fancying himself to be Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots.

The plot grows thicker than a CheaPet:

This is enough to make Sally hurl. In a cinematic coup de force, we see Sally's puke landing on the keyboard just as Ed Meat's brains get splattered on a monitor that has a conspicuously large "IBM" logo on it (a la Golden Eye). Ed has been shot by MicroSleuthes, elite Microsoft agents who have tracked down the illegal access. On instinct, John yells out "OS/2," momentarily confusing the sleuths, allowing Sally and him to get way.

Our heroes have to lay low for a couple of days. They receive help on the streets from a homeless man named Lou Gershner. He leads them to the subterranean hide out of the MacroHardies, vehement opponents of MicroSoft. The group's leader, the legendary Philip Kahn (a Cameo by Henry Rollins), promises to help.

John uses equipment at hand to establish an up-link with MSN. Again with the help of Quazar he breaks into Bill's files, but this time he has to pay a break-in upgrade fee. Bill's Schedule-2005 files indicate that he likes to meditate by himself in Redmond's forests early each morning. John, Sally, and Phil take the first bus to Redmond. They plan to ambush Bill the next morning.

The sun is rising. We see Bill whispering his mantra, "Aooom, Aooom, must rule the world." Suddenly our heroes jump out of the bushes and attack Bill. Bill jumps out of the Lotus position and whizzes a copy of MS-Office CD into Phil's throat mortally wounding him. But Bill's pocket-protector falls out. As he bends over to pick it up, Sally kicks him in the face. This causes his glasses to fall off. Bill's neck has been so accustomed to carrying these heavy spectacles that his head whips back at the sudden relief of weight causing his neck to break. His body falls limp to the ground. He manages a few dying words, "The best thing about information at your fingertips is that you can pick your nose with it." The movie ends with a fade to black.

Jokes Index Robert Chasmer - (C) KAOS 95-97.